The other day I received a text from a friend asking me if I wanted to hit up some “Cryo” today. I wasn’t sure what that even meant. I assumed it was a bar with extremely cheap alcohol and scantily clad waitresses and hopefully Direct TV. But I grew concerned that “Cryo” might actually be something terrible, like a new vegan restaurant or the name of one of those Madea movie sequels.

Turns out, “Cryo” is something so much worse than all of that combined. Worse even than eating a soy based steak.

“Cryo” is better known as “Cryotherapy.” And it means that you are going to immerse yourself in a super freezing chamber in hopes of losing weight. And it is proof that many people will do practically anything in order to avoid moving or eating right to lose weight, including, apparently, standing naked in the North Pole wearing a raw meat vest. At the core of the solicitation, I was asked if I’d like to go freeze to death as a way to lose weight. This sounded horribly ridiculous. Like hugging the vents in an Asian nail salon sounded a lot more enticing.

The Cleveland Cavaliers reported that they tried Cryotherapy at the end fo the 2013 NBA season. This, of course, led to a mad rush of people thinking that Cryotherapy is a super legit way to lose weight. I think Lebron James also says he drinks Sprite for fuel, so consider the full source here. NBA players claim this speeds up their recovery time.

So how does this Cryotherapy business work? Well, it starts with cold ass air. And pretty much ends there. The way it works is that a person walks into a Cryo-sauna. Liquid nitrogen is used to make the air cold. Like really, really cold: try -250 degrees. For those that have their calculators out, that’s worse than living in Minnesota. The cold air hits your neck and down. So yes, men, that means…..

For an average cost of $70.00 per treatment, you spend up to 3 minutes in this chamber. When you get out, you are a cold shishkabob of two peanuts. But if you were sore, supposedly this stuff will speed up recovery time up to 72 hours. But, it is now being pitched as a solution to burn fat. Let’s look at the theory of how Cryotherapy burns fat in close detail.

The theory is that your body gets so cold that it goes into survival mode. This forces your metabolism to speed up, which means you burn more calories and shed pounds. So people are visiting Cryo-saunas now so that they can burn fat. Guess what else is good for putting your body into survival mode and speeding up your metabolism? Pissing off a Cheetah. You will lose tons of weight with a pissed off Cheetah following you after you poked it in the eyes Three Stooges style. Cover yourself with the scent of raw Zebra meat, and you DOUBLE your weight loss benefits.

Now, is Cryotherapy weight loss legit?

A lot of this is based on Russians. You know, those old Russian Olympians that played naked in the snows of Siberia. All these athletes eventually created cold chambers. I once worked for Taco Bell and would slide into the freezer to avoid having to be placed on drive-thru duty, so I understand cold chambers, but I don’t think I lost much weight. And most of the scientific studies involving cold therapy and weight loss show inconclusive results. The real reasons the Russians¬†lose weight is because they drink tons of cold vodka. Drink enough straight cold Russian elixir, and you both lose weight and grow more hair on your body.

I’m over 40 years old. I get wanting to burn some additional fat. But I’m thinking freezing your a#$ off in a cold chamber is pretty much the worst approach. Again, the angry Cheetah, folks. I’m not calling Cryotherapy a scam; I’m just saying it is kind of ticking me off. With so many solid ways available to manage your weight, stop finding the most absurd. Eat right, move some, try all natural food supplements that speed up your metabolism (I know, who knew nature was so powerful?).

So what are some more legit ways to lose weight?

Sprint, don’t jog.
TRY this all natural fat burner.
Intermittent fasting.
Don’t buy McRibs

But don’t skip your “Cryo” sesh’ just because of my negative banter. I’m a hater. Maybe this treatment is for you. Hey, I actually stop getting out of the car when I take road trips north at around Oklahoma, so I might not be the best person to review this. Plus, I can be kind of cheap.